Finding Peace....

It has been so long since I have put my thoughts in writing. I am been so overwhelmed that I seem to struggle with just completing the daily tasks on my "Mommy To Do List". The past 7 weeks fill my mind. I am still trying to process it all. Make sense of each set back and find a reason to smile with each achievement. But, there are things that I struggle with. I read a poem today entitled, Before I Was a Mom. A line from that poem says...Before I was a Mom - I never held down a screaming child so that doctors could do tests.. The flood gates opened. I had to do this a lot over the past few weeks. I had to lay on Madilyn to have an IV put in her hand seven times, I had to hold her down with my entire body for a team of Nurses to place a tube in her nose to be put into her stomach. The entire time she was screaming to not let them do it Mommy. I had to hold her down for the die, that is thicker than water to get into her veins so she could have a much needed CT Scan of her intestines. I had to watch her scream from a distance because she was scared and all I could do is tell her it will be ok and Mommy is here. I held her hair and watched her puke endlessly and held her in my arms to calm her down when she would be so angry and scream she just wanted to go home and tell her I loved her.

No matter how prepared I seem to be before we head into another surgery or procedure, my will and strength seems to be tested to its outer most limits. We endured to additional admits to the hospital after this surgery. Each time I had to try to help Madilyn understand it was to help her. That can be difficult when you yourself are scared and doubting. I was tired. I was frustrated. I was running out of answers for her. These past few weeks have been really challenging and have drained me, physically, emotionally and mentally. Its a tired I haven't felt for a long, long, time. Usually I bounce back and life goes on, this time it seems to be harder. Probably due to the fact that my blood sugar is completely crazy. It is hard to be a diabetic and be in the hospital taking care of your child.

I missed my home. Berkley and Tyler and Vince were left to take care of themselves. That was hard on them and me. They try hard to just carry on when I am gone with Madilyn but it is stressful on each of them. Vince just needs me more than he would admit....Berkley and Tyler just need their Mom. Dad does a good job but it is so nice to know that the rest of my family needs me just as much as Madilyn needs me.

I am really hoping that I can pull out of this slump soon. I need to get back on track and bring the blood sugar back in control. I need to bust through the creative roadblock that I am having. I usually can't shut off the ideas in my head. Right now I can't find an idea in my head. It's just empty and tired. I guess I have too much on my mind. I pray for peace...... Simple peace with a dash of strength. I know that now is the time to prepare because crazy is always around the corner. That is how it is. I am not complaining. Today is about getting all the stuff out of my head and putting out there. I love being a Mom. I wouldn't trade this job for anything. I am exhausted though. I pray that the Lord above will grant me some peace and help me be stronger. My faith has been tested and I hope that I haven't let my Heavenly Father down. I know He has a plan for our family. I know that I was supposed to be Berkley, Tyler and Madilyn's Mom. I have often felt the presence of Angels around Madilyn when she been in the hospital. I know the Father watches over her.

I need to learn how to trust that things will be ok. I need to learn to not be afraid to open the mail because another medical bill has arrived. It makes me sick sometimes. This is all apart of being the parent of a child with a chronic condition. In our case it is our sweet Madilyn who has
Spina Bifida. Today I got a call from the school nurse because she was sick at school. We made it two days this week with no calls. My heart sank when I saw it was the school on the caller ID. I knew it was the Nurse...we have become good telephone friends and when I go to the school I stop in her office and say Hello!

I am hoping we can just survive these last three weeks of school. It would be nice to have a small break and just enjoy being together as a family with Mom being present and not stressed to the max. I need to find that peace.......I think I shall go for a walk tomorrow and make sure I test my blood sugar and take my med's and try to just be still and listen........